Friday, June 16, 2017

World-Class Poetry

Two poetry books I've written over many years. The content is vulgar and intentionally immature in quality, mostly on the subjects of feigned melodrama and ridiculing poetry. A few serious works are thrown in, if you can spot them.

They are both currently available free to download via .epub at the provided links, as well as many other popular sites including B&N, Nook, and iTunes. Perhaps not Amazon, as they make things confusing.

The Poet's Poet

Juvenile Takes on Adult Themes

To mark this momentous occasion of writing two poetry books and lacking the patience to even post a link until years after the fact, this post will end on a poem:

Explaining Why I’m the Best Poet of the 21st Century in the Form of a Poem

Like it’s been said
With 90s existentialism
“Everything’s in quotations”
Or a self-reference
It’s the way of the new world, pig
Let’s bleed, pig
In my world
Everything’s a Cobra reference
That’s how I’m the realist
Realism isn’t real
It’s real with an ism
Real is phony is real again
There it is
Your moment of zen
Real is freedom
Not your constraints
Real is human nature
Like Napoleon perched upon a peacock
Bossing around your in-laws
Walking through your fields
With that slow duck walk
Musket at my hip
You can’t stop this irreverence
You can’t pull the plug on fun
Sure the poems suck
But Andrew Dice Clay’s were worse
You gave him the 80s
You low-brow twits
You Alanis Morrisette-championing

Atheist Arguments For Religion

Merely believing in right and justice won’t make someone effective. Most people do and act on the desire to do right—it’s just when they get it wrong they’re often all the more wrong for it. Even intellectuals at the highest level are not immune to the bitter, insecurity-driven desire to make their opponents look like imbeciles. It’s not enough to be scientifically correct, they’re often compelled to twist the knife while they do it. That’s why some of these people love to debate theologians or anyone who they feel is their intellectual inferior. It’s not a sharing of ideas, it’s an attempt to win versus an attempt to save face. Even if the secular, scientific person is right, it’s often more about wit, applause, and punchlines. Otherwise, religious and scientific communities might have found some common ground by now.

I have little doubt fables, myths, and religion were original forms of philosophy and science. Where a word doesn’t exist, there’s a metaphor. If you believe in evolution, it’s not a stretch to assume eventually after consciousness, creating a creator soon followed. Religious dogma helped create and maintain the moral universe we live in. It’s unfortunately that same dogma that keeps it shackled to the past. The absolute, divine, sacred laws are ideas beyond reproach, beyond challenge, and beyond thought.

“There are no atheist soup kitchens.” — Marc Maron, comedian

Some intellectual figures would choose to do away with religion entirely in one fell swoop if possible. It’s a naive idea, if only at the base level that implies religion provides no good in the world. Furthermore, there’s the reality you would have a majority global society with their fundamental method of morality, philosophy, and reasoning stripped from them. If modern science and philosophy can’t inform them now, I can’t imagine how awful that world might play out. People with moral failings and no outlet to scrutinize or reflect on them is a bad mix. You would have nations founded on religious ideals suddenly stripped of their synergies and identities, with a vacuum to go unfilled, or filled with who-knows-what, nihilism, general malaise.

“Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, and the soul of soulless conditions. It is the opium of the people.” — Karl Marx (often quoted out of context, read properly there is an overt sympathy toward religion)

The power of religion is undeniable. It gives you the Euphoria of Knowing. I believe it can operate as a drug, with the placating effect of faith-based answers, and the real world communal benefits. The former way, it’s especially toxic, akin to drugs, alcohol, sex, pornography, food, prescription meds, gambling, video games, whatever the vice might be. The difference is most of these vices, however problematic, don’t lead to the harming of others. Bad religion does. That same fundamentalist appeal that can make it so powerful in influencing people's lives is the same thing that can make it so destructive.

“A symbol is only as worthy of respect as the values of the people who appropriate it.” — Stewart Lee, comedian

Currently, there’s only one belief system on Earth that would allow you to drive a truck full of explosives into an area populated with innocent civilians with a smile on your face—it’s Islam. It’s not the smile of evil, it’s the smile of following a self-righteous mandate your book of worship deems correct; it’s the smile of 1000 years of modernity that cast your ancient coping mechanisms aside, and brought the frustration of social and economic disparity. Claims of a silent majority of peaceful Muslims don’t absolve this, with simple reasoning: if the problem is as small as implied, there’s no reason to be silent, and remaining silent isn’t very peaceful; or, the silent majority is frightened into silence by a capable and violent minority. Either way it spells trouble and peaceful Muslims passively propagate jihadist ideology. It works no different with Islamic terrorism than with Christian child sexual abuse scandals. These are the kinds of issues that need exposure, the last thing that should be tolerated is silence.

Now to get back to the compliments.

Take a look at the animal kingdom to see how far we’ve come. Most animal life is met with violence, murder, starvation, and famine. We’ve navigated as a species from that chaos to what soon could become a relatively unrivaled peace. We’ve farmed the Earth, mined its resources, and manipulated it to our advantage to deal with problems of scarcity and population. In a world born from murder and moral deficiencies, religion and other methods of articulation and interpretation have had an immeasurable contribution to theory and attaining knowledge.

Often when talking to religious people in this Western country, the basic tenets of religion could apply to anyone. Many are religious, but revolted by the idea of actually attending church. So what is often cited? People believe in “a greater power.” People wish to believe in “something outside themselves.” Who could look down on that? When people pay to see a superhero film they’re reflecting on the perfect idealization of a greater power. When people “look outside themselves” that is the very basis of empathy, the single greatest force pushing away from our stone-age ancestry.

Religion requires reform, not calls for its eradication. Churches perhaps could be a place where a person of any belief could come to reflect, do charity, do theory and philosophize, or more importantly be challenged. Or it could stay on the same course and suffer from the law of diminishing returns. I don’t see reform happening, however. I instead see a continuance of a religious and non-religious tug-of-war, with secular views winning, and a once-purposeful institution left with nothing to replace it but cynicism.

When not actively-practicing religious people speak of a vague “greater power,” who knows what they mean. It seems as though God’s most resonating verses are also vague. Other meanings can be just as easily ascribed. If you replaced “God” with “love” in a lot of popular biblical quotes, a good deal of them would fit 1:1. I know any God worth worshiping wouldn’t mind foregoing credit in lieu of spreading its essential message. Some things are worth struggling for and semantics aren’t one of them.

There’s a simplicity to ten commandments as the basis of moral teaching, but life is a little more nuanced than that. No one would fault someone for lying to a psychopath, or killing in self-defense. An interesting irony is the religious command for honesty. Even the most devout aren’t free of skepticism when it comes to some of religion’s more fantastical claims. There’s burning bushes, large boats, talking snakes. But there’s nothing innately bad about a lie that causes no harm. A lie is the first step in the element of surprise or telling a good joke, and most reasonable people enjoy them. A lie is the platform for great books and movies and art. I can’t find a logical flaw with benevolent dishonesty. If someone is tricked into doing the right thing, that’s not ideal, but it’s better than the alternative.

Street signage with unintentional political commentary
It doesn’t surprise me many believers have doubts, and it wouldn’t surprise me if many secretly didn’t believe at all. It could be what influences the reluctant way in which some people talk about their faith. It’s often “personal” or “private.” Their reasons for pursing faith can be deeply entwined with intimate issues and heavy personal experiences that deserve the consideration they request. Whether it’s secret shame, a moral failing, or the simple desire avoid an abstract conversation, it deserves respect.

Many seem to find religion after having children. They are born-again conveniently right alongside them. Is it the cosmic trickery of the moment, the levity changing the situation from awe to the supernatural? Is it the vulnerability of life and the threat of loss causing someone to redefine the way they empathize? Or, could it be the subconscious realization that while we live in a world of many answers, we don’t always live in a world of good ones. Sometimes our answers are frightening, and sometimes even majorities are too afraid to ask.

Sad, beautiful, both, neither
For all its conceits, as right as the scientific approach may be, generations pass without change. If all the rationale and the philosophy, the books and the intellectual prowess can’t make a definitive leap over a talking snake, maybe it, too, is a flawed belief system. Maybe it, too, is inspired by an Old Testament sense of wrath and justice. Maybe science, too, is inclined to use its finding in a self-righteous way, as a sword instead of a surgical instrument.

Every intellectual rests their elbow on objective truth as the gold standard. Here’s an observation: people can be misguided, delusional, lie to others and lie to themselves. Those are objective truths, those are minds that exist in and influence objective reality. The irrational don’t react to reason, or heavy-handed declarative statements. Others are sick, some aren’t smart, some are unimaginative, some are uninterested. Some are harmless and merely want to live with an innate feeling of closeness and trust to their surroundings, with the most rudimentary backdrop for a value-system they can find. There's no more thought to it, and scorn and derision rarely work. If fundamentalism is part of the ideological problem it can’t be part of the solution.

It’s a waste of effort and time, and potentially more detrimental, to attack institutions at large, instead of trying to excise any toxic elements and let them be. It’s a waste of breath to wax poetic about the whims of the irrational—something no human is beyond. By trying to dismiss and dismantle, otherwise smart people do a disservice to themselves. Instead they could engage more with people they disagree with, even if only vaccinate themselves from it, by taking in the perceived poison and dispelling it with empathy and understanding.

Sunday, June 11, 2017

A Model For American Success

Walter Moxon, guest contributor
I work hard 90 hours a week to support my beautiful wife, four beautiful young boys, and a mortgage. I don’t expect no handouts, you know why? Because as an upstanding member of American society, I am driven to success by the natural high of maintaining an illusion of control over a frightening world with more questions than answers.

I am a natural-born winner, carried by the golden chariot of destiny by a subconscious need to quiet the insecure voices in my psyche that question my faith, the purpose of existence, and the nagging sense I could be wrong about anything. The three cars in my garage confirm this.

The disenfranchised are merely will-less quitters. WILL finds a way to win. I don’t care if I was born without legs, I’d still pick myself up by my bootstraps that same day. When I think I may be a failure, I remember the vitriolic hate in my heart, and my superiority complex pulls at my heartstrings like a pullstart on a lawnmower and I’m cranked and ready to run.

Whenever faced with adversity I make a target of any subgroup I can stereotype, and marginalize them with self-righteous rhetoric until they feel small and my ego re-animates. That’s MY version of coffee, fuck Folgers. Drug-addict junkie-losers need their fix just to “cope.” As a real man, all I need is the sublime release you get when you hold dominion over another human or animal life. That and my painkillers, and the occassional bottle of whiskey.

If there’s one thing I know for sure in this world it’s that my hearts in the right place and my social priorities are properly aligned. And I will fight against EVERYONE!—the weak, the meek, the tired, the poor, the wretched refuse, the homeless, the huddled masses—until I can breathe free. And on my deathbed if I know because of me just one baby born poor was denied a single free lunch, I will die smiling as I ascend to Heaven.

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

I Hope the Great Barrier Reef Dies

I hope the Great Barrier Reef dies, its supposed majestic beauty strangled by the unintended consequence of industry. Let it be bleached out of existence. Of all underwater treasures and tourist spots it’s the most insidious. It calls forth an air of conceit unrivaled.

The “Great” Reef? One would have to ask, “By what standard?” Of all the Great Wonders of the World this particular coral reef has never been listed, let alone considered. It’s better judged in comparison to its 3rd rate cousin, the lackluster Christmas reef. Even the marijuana reefer I’m not fond of.

Arguments against this ecological abomination:


You cannot even visit the reef without dying. Meanwhile, people have traveled up to Mt. Everest, the highest point on earth’s surface, without the use of oxygen tanks. Poor planning for something intended for admiration.


The reef could not stand even the slightest demand brought on by the industrial revolution. It’s existed for so long and a few chemicals and fishing techniques completely upset its balance? Go die already, you whimpering, sobbing, heaving, hysterical reef.


Absolutely nothing.


Even during its heyday almost anything is more pleasing to the eyes than these underwater dirt-flowers.

If I had my way, I’d pay seamen a hundred dollars a day to pull out these abhorrent seaweeds just to personally stomp them to pieces. They are disgusting. People who would choose to defend these weeds are as toxic as they are, and need to be stamped out in similar fashion. I wish I could be there as it dies, its brittle bones whisked away by the ocean current; its tears disguised and dispersed in the undertow.

In 1972 John Lennon wrote, “Woman is the [n-word] of the world.” Good guess, Johnny, but real answer was this underwater plague soon to be eradicated. Where humanity lacked the courage to systemically eradicate these revolting, green sea sponges, industry has brought them to heel. There’s a reason reefs have went from their rainbow-esque appearance to the dull, venal, expired fungus they resemble today: they’re final showing their true colors.

Monday, November 14, 2016

A Christian’s View on Sex With Dolphins Erotica

Guest columnist "Square" Andy
Andy Answers

I’ve been inundated with emails this week. Everyone’s asking me the same thing: What is the Christian position, and perspective, on erotic literature involving dolphins?

Sadly, as is often the case with Christianity... there is no easy answer. There are several passages in the bible against eating seafood. I personally don’t eat seafood. Heaven, I don’t even call it “seafood,” because you’re not supposed to eat it. They’re sea CREATURES. But what is God’s position on sea sexual relations? That’s where the topic gets tricky.

Obviously, a homosexual coupling is immoral. Some take a hardline stance and say gays should be murdered with rocks, thrown at them with disdain and intense velocity, but as a progressive person I disagree. I advocate stoning humans to death only once our scientists figure out how to do it in a humane way with minimal suffering.

Eroticizing dolphins is a whole other story. Now, there’s a reason we don’t eat dolphins. Dolphins are intelligent. Any sex with sea-life such as a seahorse, a clownfish, or a mackerel is for all intents and purposes rape. A dolphin and even some whales, however, possess uncanny thinking and communicative capacity. It is completely the norm for people who spend a lot of time with dolphins to develop very natural, intuitive, stimulating relationships with such creatures. It’s perfectly normal to go swimming with a dolphin you’ve taken a liking to, canoodling through the sea, cuddled safely under a fin. It is a beacon of sound mind to want eventually consummate an inter-species, human-dophin relationship, with rubbed bellies that lead to pink organs, and drifting in water while staring up at the stars in post-coital bliss. There is not one scintilla of evidence otherwise in the bible or even any other spiritual teaching that this is in direct conflict with the will of any God.

A young woman reads to her partner
Yet let me be clear: this is NOT a conversation about inter-species sex with dolphins, only inter-species sex with dolphins erotica. Even if you were comb through the bible and find a suggestive passage involving dolphins, that’s not to say there’s any correlation between very real sexual relationships and literature merely depicting those relationships. Dolphin erotic literature is at worst, a tiny microcosm of dolphin inter-species sexual activities, and no man should be looked down upon for it regardless of his religious affiliations or lack thereof.

Now, I’m not going to sit around all day and type this out because this topic holds little interest for me, I’m not going to sit here playing apologist, I’m not going to be the contrarian or play the “Devil’s advocate,” even if I were to use such a vulgar expression. But if you were to find yourself with a lack of girlfriend and secure a job at say, SeaWorld, or secured a dolphin for your private use, in an industrial-sized tank, simply to explore your own affinity for a dolphin or dolphins, no one on EARTH or ABOVE has an reasonable right to judge your actions. But WE’RE NOT TALKING ABOUT INTER-SPECIES SEXUAL RELATIONS BETWEEN HUMAN AND DOLPHIN, WE ARE MERELY TALKING ABOUT THE EROTIC DEPICTION OF THE UNLIKELY YET FULLY CONSENSUAL COUPLING OF A HUMAN AND A DOLPHIN THROUGH THE WRITTEN WORD. FANTASY. NOT REAL LIFE. WORDS. THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH WORDS.

Not that I have any dog in this fight either way.

I am merely concerned with helping people who sometimes lack the foresight and perspective of the Christian faith and pursue guidance via the internet and forms of social media.

So, I would say, in closing, if this sort of thing rocks your tugboat, tug away! There’s still time for Sundays, strawberries will still tastes delicious, spending time with your family is still the pinnacle, and sunny days bring sun rays that last for days. And remember, the Holy Word is sacrosanct, it's God’s law... anything else is an attempt to subvert your freedom.

-Square Andy
Christian, journalist, 3rd shift manager @Target

Friday, November 11, 2016

Buy the Gun, Shoot the Gun

“Square” Andy, guest contributor
I want a gun. I don’t know why I want a gun, but I feel like I need one. I want to buy the gun and shoot the gun. I don’t know much about guns, but I need one. I want to grab the gun and squeeze her trigger. I want to cock the hammer back. I want to feel it pump and spring and recoil. It’s going to fire off out of my hand like intense ejaculate.

Guns aren’t for masturbation, but liberty is. Freedom isn’t free. Freedom is erotic. Like the Flags of Our Fathers photo my bridge rises to attention. Justice is my Cialis. Want the gun, need the gun, the gun is fun. Must shoot the gun. The gun is hip at my hip, concealed carry, I’ll take it everywhere I will, even Taco Bell. I’ll have Nachos Bell Grande and no snark, wage slaver. Give me your hottest sauce or I’ll draw, punk. My weapon’s on the counter.

When people see me and my big gun their mouths will drop in fear and confusion. The fight or flight response will cause their watering mouths to lubricate ready for a sweet love-making from my gun, should they question its virility, its tenacity, its self-righteous authority. I clean my gun, delicately. I stroke my gun with a micro fiber cloth. I keep her oiled and ready. My gun, my gun, what have ye done? I take her out on dates to the range. My gun is like my son. I’ll use my gun to protect my son if I ever have one, but first my gun will protect itself because she IS my son.

When Romeo said, “Juliet, you are the sun!” he should’ve said, “Gun, you are the sun!” Stroke the gun like a purring kitten in your lap, that’s where I keep it. It’s by my side at all times. It fires. Gun powder smoke smells like Mother’s cooking. It’s enticing. It draws a crowd to its smoke cloud. I don’t like drugs. But if I did, of gun powder smoke I would take hits. I inhale the gun smoke like it’s life force, like it’s the coal dust that made America grand. I would do lines of black gun powder. “What’s that on your nose?” Where it takes me, anyone knows.

I paint myself in blackface with gun powder, war paint, and the excrement of feral animals. I cologne myself with the piss of rodents and scream, “Come at me!” in an empty forest. Well, the animals are there, but they don’t dare come near. They can smell fear, and they for once smell their own body odor. I will kill the rodents and the skunk that come near me. I will skin their limp carcasses and wear horse skin on my person like a tarp. Feral animal testicles as my earrings. Severed yak ears on my necklace. My gun kills, my gun thrills.

I love the smoked barbecue of an open flesh wound. I’m ready to eat deer. I go raw. No time to cook or get hot sauce, this bloody wound is well-done. Like when I’m eating out my wife like a cannibal, providing her cunnilingus most magnificent. It causes me to spurt, pulsate, with the wisdom of God’s divinity. Eating stomach and liver and shoulder, this game animal, I may as well be making love to her. Like the first time you get your redwings, eating dead things is the sacrament of human dominion. Body of Christ, leg of lamb, this is God’s divine plan.

We’re all part of the beautiful circle of life and the herd. We’re sheep or at least in their clothing. We are beautiful red sheep with semi-automatic weapons and turgid erections waiting for someone to touch us. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Charles Bronson uses me for protection. Hang animals upsidedown. Sport the 2nd amendment and your erections proud. Stroke your gun in the face of the nearest nun. Eat bald eagle breakfast cereal. Even if you shoot me, and wound me, and I’m bleeding profusely, these colors don’t run.

Man of God.

Thursday, November 10, 2016

Finally, Justice Be Done

"Square" Andy
Everyone, it’s that time again with your favorite knock-about guy, Square Andy. Finally a man with a Christian plan has found his way into the White House. Finally, as I say, a “square” man is in the Oval Office. We waited, breath baited, for this day, we prayed for this day, during sing-along hymns at church we swayed for this day. The Power of Christ compels us.

What people don’t know about us Christians, is that we really, really like to get high. We don’t get medical tubing and tap the vein and inject dangerous street level black tar heroin into our veins and close our eyes and sink into a deep bliss of coma for a few hours. Our fix is Lord. Our Lord is paramount. His righteousness is morphine pristine... medical grade. Whenever I need a pick-me-up, my fix is a line of scripture, and yes, like junkies, I often take my high in a dirty urinal. What’s higher than God and the angels in the clouds in heaven above, after all? Not a Satan-damn thing.

Donald J. Trump is a man who straight-ticket votes for God’s divine plan. Every action he makes echoes what Jesus as a young carpenter would’ve done. He is friendly to all aspects of life, he enriches the rich, employs the poor, and respects drunks and whores.

What Trump wants to do is in line with my values as a Christian man. Yeah, he said some remarks, like when he spoke of grabbing women by their crotches, but he did the most important thing in asking forgiveness. So we can let bygones be gone. Answer me the following things, heretics:

Is killing an unborn baby not the same as killing a baby?

Answer: it is. And we’re allowing a baby-genocide to take place and the numbers keep going up like a tornado death count.

Does Roe v. Wade not need to be overturned?

Answer: I mean, it’s the Baby Genocide bill.

Does gay marriage hurt the sanctity of marriage?

Answer: Well, yes. What’s next, a man marrying his dolphin? Are we to sit back and watch the Superbowl, knowing that men somewhere out there in rural lands are tickling the bellies of highly intelligent dolphin-folk? Is that “square” with you? But then we watch a demonic display by Beyonce and then we look in the stands and we see a man with his arm around a female dolphin and he takes off his sea captain hat and puts it on her. Is that what we want? Trump is a man who has respected marriage in each one of his marriages.

Is the respect of the police under-represented?

Answer: the police are not respected at all. We grab the police by their public image and we backhand them left to right, and right to left, until the sun is coming down on the Western coast and nobody says a thing. It’s always about what they do WRONG, never about the countless hours and years of service they do RIGHT.

Is racism real?

Answer: no.

This is a battle for the domain of God. I don’t want to hear this non-sense. A new dawn for America has risen, like He is Risen, from the ashes of despair and the old day. Don’t try to side-track me.

Trump may have kissed girls without permission, but Hillary does the same with drones. She kisses would-be immigrants on the mouth with drones, by driving into them. She's playing Call of Duty 100, against real life players.

“May the man who follows God’s moral law rule.” - God

-Square Andy

Sunday, March 13, 2016

Plan B

Seb shares the most horrific and romantic story ever told. This episode ends abruptly.

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Monday, March 7, 2016

New Precedents

Alcohol, Donald Trump, and the 2016 presidential election are discussed with Seb.

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Thursday, February 11, 2016

Repeated Nihilists

If you can get past the 30 minute part about James Deen's rape allegations there's some interesting dialogue feat. General Depravity regular Jed.

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Thursday, February 4, 2016

About a Message Board

The intimate details, shady characters and drama of a certain, once-relevant heavy metal message board community are dissected with Jed.

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Wednesday, January 6, 2016

99 Suicide Facts

I came across an article about little known suicide facts. Here I read and add thoughts about the world's greatest pastime.

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