Monday, March 23, 2009

Got a mole implant


At the recommendation of my great friend and hairdresser Ivan, I decided I need to push a step further the unique individualism of my appearance. After much deliberation we decided a mere transparent and soulless tattoo couldn't do me justice. A spiritually deadening piercing wouldn't sate my desire to amplify my transcendental aura.

We decided on a brilliant plan to devise a body modification that represented both past, present, and future in look, while also maintaining a natural aesthetic. Per Ivan's recommendation, we began along on this journey of self-discovery and personal change by consulting several of his doctor friends. Believe me, we got The Hook Up.

What I choose to be that body modification which allotted spiritual transcendence was an artificial mole implant. What could more accurately represent history, contemporary times, and postmodernism? These things grow on what we refer to as humans A.K.A. mortals, but deciding to create my own mole, I was to become a God. I wanted this symbolism, as being a God is tragic in a way. With great power comes great responsibility said Tolstoy, and I agree. With the power to hold the world comes the weight of the world. This modification was also in memory of my perished pet hamster Titus, who was a lot like a mole in that he was whacked to death.

After gaining The Facts from various sources including libraries (lol who goes there), we began by meeting our mutual friend Todd Wendelhams, who does tattoos over at El Frogo Loco on 83rd and Destiny. I decided on a spot for what was to be my complete transformation above the lip on the left side of my face, mimicking my favorite actress and personal idol Marilyn Monroe. Todd tattooed a dark circle at a location that me and my life-partner Tonya Butterlabia were happy with.

Continuing on this journey, we hopped several straightedge bars where they serve soda free of caffeine, and a lifestyle free of shame. Our party also ate at several vegan restaurants where we enjoyed specialties such as Guilt-free Gummy Worms that contain absolutely no trace of endangered whale intestine. In between, we hit up a 24-7 laser hair removal joint and had them permanently clear up the area around my new facial black hole. Sure, I want a natural look, but real talk, anyone with a hairy mole should be euthanized.

Soon, an appointment was made at a place to undergo surgery for a silicone implant. Within a week we were ready to go. A tiny incision was to be made and a Dippin' Dot placed beneath my skin to create the final effect for my artificial mole. Thirty minutes and a quick suture later, we headed out of the clinic and Ivan treated himself and I, Tonya, and his mysterious friend M. Shadows to Qdoba for some burritos (appreesh).

After some initial irritation and healing, the results were satisfactory. Later, I had my friend and scarring expert Sally Beetlej00ce scar and burn the mole to give it a more authentic and rough terrain. Boy, was I sold on it after that. Tonya got dumped as I became too good to stay with a two-bit whore and her petty Harvard law degree. It's like get real, gain individuality, and go places with your life, you know? Capping off this monumental life event I purchased a new hamster and named it Radio.

2 comments:

  1. Titus is gone? You black sonuvabitch! I knew no good would come of the relationship.

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