A resume made real

Not today...

Let me take a break from self-loathing and finally start and finish this resume project. You see, I've had it in mind to do a "real" resume for this site for some time now. Let me list my first flaw to hook you in, I procrastinate. This idea has been meandering about my mind for some time. In These Tough Economic Times, finding a job can be quite difficult. Especially when ambition and desire is low while a pessimistic worldview is high. Hell, I don't look for work even when jobs are hiring.

Well hey there, prospective employer. You're used to running down a boring list of the same exaggerated qualifications. Sifting through the recent jobs, their education, and a bunch of names, numbers and addresses. With a modern resume, you're looking at a complicated serial number that will tell you about this person and judging how well they'd jibe with your company. Are you getting the real deal? Likely not, as people project what they feel employers want to see, rather than what they may be. It's hardly personal. Sure, some will list their favorite hobbies of camping, hiking, rescuing cats and feeding the homeless. How often do you see, "Being tied up and belted by my wife for buying the wrong trashbags, before she spits Jolly Ranchers into my mouth and brings me to a violent climax"? With the exception of this resume, probably never.

I could say I'm a competent, even eloquent writer, but that wouldn't be accurate — I hardly know where an em dash goes. Writing is simplest vessel for my talents, requiring no more than keystrokes, so I've learned to do it well. I'm only truly competent with ideas, logic, and expression. My logic is often a pinch warped, but a bit of obtuseness can conjure creative solutions. An ever-questioning mind willing to think radically has a spot at the workplace, but not without experience, qualifications, or academic accomplishments.

I graduated high school with an impressive 2.0 GPA and have attempted college four times, having spent there about three days total. My typing speed is quick at 75 words per minute if pushed, and I know my way around an operating system. At tech campus, I spent a year in multimedia tech studying html, video and sound editing, under an incredible teacher whom I later unintentionally helped get fired. Hire me for the full story.

What are your interests? Well, my immediate interest is projecting myself honestly to a perspective employee. I've great interest in expressing thought via writing and the film-making process. I like sleep, rest, laying around, video games, winning, women, and making glib comments — which I often do on a music message board where I have over 150,000 posts. I like shunning beliefs I don't ascribe to at the expense of popularity and success. Not to be provocative, but because it's what I believe is right.

My work history is a simple one. Would you like me to list every three-month stint at a retail outlet? Or the bits of office work and customer service? A rich work history is required for most jobs to ensure you haven't been in prison or dealing drugs. I haven't done either, unless you count an overnight stay in a drunk tank. My work history is sparse. I make enough money when I do work to not burden my parents except for shelter, and when I do work, I do quite well. Two of the supervisors at my last seasonal job shook my hand and said they'd recommend me for a non-temporary position. It makes sense. I'm low-maintenance, attempt to problem solve before asking questions, am punctual, efficient, and not an obnoxious extrovert.

Why haven't you worked? Indifference would make a good blanket reply. It could be the fact that most jobs don't nurture the type of activity I find stimulating. It's like I'm a computer with extraordinary processing power and low random access memory — well-chosen tasks are needed to make full use of my hardware and overcome the bottleneck. It's a bit dishonest, but not uncommon to hate your job and work just hard enough to avoid reprimands and being fired. It's unpleasant, but understandable when you're getting paid a small fraction of the profit your work generates.

Most jobs don't expect honesty from resumes, as referenced by their approach in advertisements. "Have you ever wondered about the exciting world of telemarketing?" Really? I doubt it tops copulating while skydiving (one of my aspirations). Fairness and honesty in the work place are the exception, not the rule. The word janitor doesn't exist anymore. Instead it gets replaced with something glamorous like Toilet Technician.

Employers up the ante with absurd tests and quizzes.

Example:

People would describe you as which of the following?

a. Thoughtful to the feelings of others
b. Apathetic and unengaged
c. A risk-taker
d. Inebriated
e. A mouth-breathing sociopath

These tests aren't sophisticated and not even the village drunk would answer D. It's easy to become disenchanted with a job world where appearances and politics outmatch ability and talent. Most the jobs I've worked have been joyless, but they shouldn't be. At worst they can be campy fun, like like-minded people willfully watching a bad movie. When workers are looked upon as machines to be calibrated to conform and maximize profits, and workers file lawsuits over petty grievances, work environments become boring and sterile, and social relationships are reduced to small talk. This reminds of a time when I was working at the age of 19 with an early 40s man, who wrote poetry in a notebook he carried around and went to movies alone. A woman had been physically flirtatious with him, so I asked why he didn't hit on her. He responded, "I could lose my job." He made $10 an hour in the parking lot pushing carts. Where's that work advertisement, Walmart?

I'd rather work in Chernobyl

What would you do without work? As appealing as the thought of being caught in the cogs of the work field and facing the grind until you're juiced of all life is, why, I'd take time off. In a world without work, I'd go see the destroyed city of Pripyat. (I've seen the pyramids of Chichen Itza but wasn't impressed. It's neat, but the scene is whored for tourists and it's an area with a history of sacrifices and murder — what a marvel.) I'd see the Old World because apparently all the good stuff started there. I'd go to the dentist and eat luxury $4 cereal. I'd get an apartment to read, watch movies, and invite friends to, until I'd gained the wisdom to contribute something worthwhile to the species.

What would you like to do? Ideally, a job that allows you to keep your identity while determinedly tailoring itself to your interests to maximize your potential, enjoyment, and income for mental and financial stability — what any sane person should want. There's a lot more to it, but compromise shouldn't begin with a view over a steep slope. Any job that's not in the limelight with a fictional aura of propriety and sanity. Not to knock propriety, but I fear making a Freudian slip of a dirty word or a racial slur in a public forum. Most of us get ignorant thoughts, yes? Yet most choose to only see the surface when other people say them. But I'm no bigot, I own several black friends. Now I'll show you my sense of tact and bring this to a close. If the above came off as philosophical and meandering, it must be part of me. If it was charming, thank you. If it was offensive, I'm sorry (that you're boring). If you have work catered to my strengths and weaknesses, and can tolerate a dreadful sense of humor, hit me up for an interview, jerk.