A Rational Hatred For Joanna Newsom

I'm here to clarify something for those not in the know. Joanna Newsom and her "music" are garbage. The term is used loosely. Her latest album was an un-catchy number called Have One on Me, which like Miles Davis' Bitches Brew proves if you've made a name for yourself you can make an indulgent, boring, unappealing album a critical hit. It came out in 2010 and the memory has yet to leave my head. That is to say that the Have One on Me experience is an unforgettable one, in the same way Columbine is. Oh, sure it was long ago, but it resonates with me still, that solitary listen. It's ingrained in my psyche juxtaposed against images of discarded weapons, bloody walls, and lobotomized schizophrenics letting out one scream in ten minute increments.

Joanna Newsom is a borderline retarded lady from California, and I apologize for use of that ugly term, meaning I hope the mentally ill don't take offense with the comparison to their intellectual inferior. By retard I mean not in the way say, Woody Allen characterizes neurotic, socially inept men, I'm talking special in the way no parent would be proud of. Watch any interview, it's like anyone who's ever taken their last hit of MDMA which became the straw that broke the camel's back and turned their functioning brain matter into something resembling swiss cheese crossed with silly putty. She's a cripple on a harp with only the creative half of the brain working, and the other, more responsible half is not letting her know her voice is bad. Despite this I must note, if you're reading, Joanna, I'd still shave my barren chest hair for a chance to rail you, as obnoxiousness can be a great aphrodisiac, superseding both personality and mental incapacitation.

Joanna has the voice of a witch. A pleasant witch, perhaps, who even feels a bit of remorse over eaten children, but a witch nonetheless. Its charm is lost approximately three minutes into any song. For most this would be fine, you'd think, but this wench indulges for about five times that length, with looming tunes that often start out pretty like a slow-motion video of a plant growing and then at some point you realize jesus christ this song's not going to end and suddenly it turns to a nightmarish depiction of bathtub drowned babies; an utmost suffocation that begs, "Please, let me out. I'd rather be locked in a McDonald's rest room." At this point you realize there are 12 minutes left.


So she sings her Welsh/leprechaun music which works kind of like that flute music that makes a snake come out of a basket except this is targeted at Loch Ness. If pedobear repeatedly raped Enya over wild rose bushes and she wrote a concept album based on the events that's basically the best descriptor for Joanna's sound. Her music serves its purpose for self-loathing types who are too against the grain to admit Maroon 5 is better because their frontman is handsome and people have heard of them. When will people finally confess this excessively unique, untalented gremlin is less listenable than even Coldplay? Likely never, which is unfortunate as it entails being hip and with it is more important than her two decent songs being worse than "Yellow."

There's no justifiable reason for admiring her work outside a fashion statement. Her music's a hologram of water over a pond made to look pretty but will only leave you in broken limbs should you dare jump in. That's right, it's shallow. Her mangled claws picking a harp is no less unpredictable or potentially catastrophic than HAARP. If you dig her work you're into vacant posturing, indulgent self-aggrandizement and Holocaust denial. You're not mysterious or different for your efforts of feigned appreciation, just another sucker who knows the words and not the music. And if all this hasn't done the job, here.

Kinda kills the mystique, no?

Okay it was a bad day but she's still an angel sent from above to desecrate our graven images and spread the word of love, hope & all things good with no less style than Federico Fellini and no less grace than a blind third world peasant who's faced decades of molestation and never denounced her faith in the Almighty Creator. Art's not about what you see, but what you don't see. As soon as I turn this picture to monochrome it will become an instant classic and an ironic, subversive commentary against a world gone cold.

No, it's still quite shit.

There you have it. The mystique is dead. Joanna Newsom is basically that girl at the bar cradling a Miller Lite whilst discussing $7 chapstick, Victoria's Secret, and how a lack floating zebras gliding through rain forests on rainbows dropping sequoia cones, has inhibited her repeated visits from imaginary limbless dwarfs, that are her only means of orgasm. It's a fact, people. Look it up.

10 comments:

  1. I couldn't have said it better.

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  2. Omg, I almost went into a state of aural horror and utter shock when I first listened to her so-called mu-"sick." More revolting, is the fact that Andy Samberg and she have been dating for over 5 years and are now engaged?! I'm sorry if this is rude, but he can do SO MUCH BETTER! She looks like a 5 year old, and sings at times like the 5 y/o or the 75 y/o witch, lol! Ick! Someone save Andy!

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  3. Is this your way of criticizing things you don't like? By making immature insults about them personally?... By calling someone "retarded" or any other insults of that nature just because you don't understand something or someone. (Which you obviously don't, because her music has great lyrical value and she is a very talented composer.) Now I don't expect everyone to like everything I like because that's just unrealistic. But it seems that you do expect this. I can respect that you don't care for her music, because it isn't for everyone, but to go as far as to call her retarded and then continue on to say that you would still fuck her is ridiculous. I'm not sure how I came across this page, but I sort of wish I hadn't. It brings me down when I read the musings of close minded people such as yourself. You claim that the only people that like her do just to say so and that they are basically self indulgent and hipster, right? I would have to say to that, that by what you have proved by your writing is that you yourself are close minded by automatically being negative and insulting something you don't understand. Next time you want to criticize something or someone, do it constructively and not without any legs to stand on..

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    1. Just in case you have alerts on, I did respond to your message, below.

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  4. "Is this your way of criticizing things you don't like?" Yes.

    "By making immature insults about them personally?" Yes.

    Leah Carolina, this is a comedy site. One of the tenets of comedy is exaggeration. It's also called General Depravity not General Loving Critique of Modern Culture.

    I honestly feel Joanna Newsom exhibits characteristics of mild retardation. I've seen interviews, this isn't made up. In addition, there's a play on words because I think her music is stupid so there's a second connotation. While I feel for her illness, I can't use that as an excuse to applaud music I find unpleasant.

    "It brings me down" I am genuinely sorry, but I can't change your life experience to match mine so we have an equaled sense of humor, nor can you do the same for my perceived lack of sensitivity.

    "You claim that the only people that like her do just to say so and that they are basically self indulgent and hipster, right?" There are always exceptions, but yes.

    "something you don't understand." It's whimsical and shallow parading as something deep. I understand it fine, I'm just turned off by that.

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  5. Haha. The sad thing is that her music is listenable if covered by others. Her vocal affectations are among the worst things in modern music...followed closely by her facial tics while she's playing. Barf.

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  6. I really love her music, some of the most moving tracks I've heard in my lifetime, and I think her voice has both character and control. That said, I never tell anyone I like her, I'm almost embarassed to because of attitudes like yours to anything not "catchy", and prefer to listen alone at home with a good pair of headphones.

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    1. I generally don't like catchy music. Even awful pop music generally has some redeeming qualities and there's never a reason for embarrassment with subjective art. Aside from white power anthems.

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  7. This criticism beautifully encaptures the most awful kind of critics. Not only have you demonstrated to be a very clear sexist, letting it manifest through insults about Newsom that literally have nothing to do with music, but also you are so grossly self obsessed with your own thoughts it's as though you dont believe that all the other white men with the same exact opinions on the arts exist. I could guess what other musicians you like (e.g. The Residents.) It is actually baffling how self obsessed you are, and you clearly will never believe women artists are anything compared to people like Frank Zappa, Capn Beefheart, Tim and Eric, Rick and Morty, "real art" to you. God, your misogony and pretensiousness is painful. Just go out and say "I don't think woman belong making art because they are stupid." And I use the word pretensious in all its glory as a word, because you truly know nothing about anything to do with music. In addition, this is the problem with criticism of art. You don't know what creativity is and you will never know it. You don't know the beauty in creating the world or creating something so great it is a universal truth. So to say her music is not deep is so ignorant, and, frankly, rude. Never write one of these idiot thigs again, please? Thanks, you fucker.

    *****sorry I went so hard this criticism just encaptures a lot. Be open to respecting women for once

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    1. "very clear sexist."

      No, sir, I respect women enough to bash them as well. Equality.

      You go on to say I'm grossly self-obsessed with my own thoughts, pure baseless conjecture. This easily an over-the-top critical review with a kernel of truth.

      You then go on to say other white people think just the way I do, assuming I'm white, I'm not, which seems to indicate personal prejudice on your part.

      No, don't know who The Residents are.

      I don't believe women artists are good on the same level as men, to quote feminist writer Camille Paglia, "There is no female Mozart because there is no female Jack the Ripper." Men are more inclined toward obsession and need to have resources to impress women. Of course that is changing with modernity. I'm not sexist, there are many great women artists such as Holly Michaels, Remy LaCroix, Riley Reid...

      Or if you want me to take this seriously I like and respect Cat Power, Fleetwood Mac, Lana Del Rey, Cocorosie, L7, Patti Smith.

      Of course I know what creativity is. I don't like whimsical nonsense that lasts forever and goes on boring tangents. Not that I'm overly inclined to defend opinions from 6 years ago. Just because I don't make music doesn't mean I can't critique it.

      Creating something so great it is a universal truth? Come off it man. I appreciate the fact she's trying but it's just nails on a chalkboard. Ironically, it's some of the most pretentious music I've ever heard. I suppose you can't review without sounding just as pretentious to judge its abstract far-reaching meaninglessness.

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