Astral Projection: Good, Good, Good Vibrations


Mindful meditation is an important tool when seeking clarity and inner peace. This is what you do: relax. Breath in through your navel and exhale through your nose. Make sure you are facing true magnetic north. Once you reach the astral plane, defeat all the shadow persons in the vicinity. They're the guys who look like transparent smoke and ink spilled in water. Fight them off by spontaneously manifesting positivity crystals. Now, this is a level 5 move. If your karma levels are below this, you'll have to gain some by working through some misdeeds with people you've had conflict with, e.g. conveying to their Higher Person your differences without blame; alternatively you can heal sick persons you know from reality by placing your astral hands on the element of their aura that requires healing.

Remember, all illnesses are emotional illnesses and they can also be defeated by, for example, visualizing Keebler elves chipping away at cancer cells with a pickaxe. Once the shadow folk are rendered dead, the walls of your inner sanctuary should glow with light. At this point a line five to six feet in front of you opens. Let yourself be drawn. This is the passage to the true astral plane. Floating might be the easiest route. Just be sure not to break concentration. Now, most of our minds are tethered by an umbilical cord to our real bodies, extending from one head to the next. Not always can you witness this visually. If you're having trouble parting from your body, envision a 180 degree turn and twist off from your reality spirit like you're opening up a bottle of Sprite. You should feel a tingling sensation. Levitate mentally toward the vibrations and let them suck you in. Beethoven may be playing. Don't lose focus. Boom goes the dynamite, you're in the astral plane.

The setting may appear worldly or might be entirely abstract. You may even witness others dreaming in their unconscious state and witness the familiarity of a person's dream from a third person perspective. Now you can roam the playground of an alternative dimension, question the meaning of life, impress ladies by turning into a clock or play chess with James Maynard Keenan.

It's important to note: should you see a flying man with a unibrow that also extends vertically in the center, this is Satan. The way to defeat him is to find his girlfriend who is a woman with long brown hair sporting a Skittles t-shirt. Find her, bound her, and throw black shiatsu rocks at her buttocks and anus until Satan evaporates. If you do not have these rocks you can materialize them in your pockets should you have decided to wear pants that day. If not, you're out of luck and will enter the infinite nightmare paradigm. Good luck and happy travels.

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