UPS Man is the Modern Santa


The UPS man is the modern santa. A man or woman who still has the ability to excite us. They're unique, man. They drive in special cars without doors with steering wheels on the wrong side. It's like Britain, something foreign yet familiar. Like santa they also carry bags of packages, and in a way they're presents. They too wear a uniform, but not red or white, a utilitarian brown. Why brown? The car and packages are, too. Perhaps it's to camouflage themselves in the event of a heist. At least they're prepared with guns, but not just any guns, the gun of science fiction: the scanner. The inventory checker that can take your autograph in your writing more smoothly than paper can.


Unlike santa and the Christmas season, the best stuff comes in the worst packages. Not what you get on Amazon, but that homemade type stuff you get from your friend or that special part you order on eBay. A new heart-valve you order delivered overnight, a mail-order bride from Argentina, whatever floats your boat. Some come by way of boat, some by air. It's what's on the inside that counts, and so you get the best shit in used packaging because those people are practical. Those are the eBay sellers with the best deal, not just in it to make a buck, but to recycle their device. The best packages are covered in stickers like a lamppost in a well-populated city. They're padded with crumpled Superman Action Comics.


Like Christmas, you never know what you're gonna get. Even if you ordered it. The condition could suck, it could be smaller than expected, it might come with a freebie. You never know when it's gonna come, or if it'll ever come. And when it's there, though, that's magic. Opening it up, that's the stuff. The only sadness comes when you realize it's over. That's when you make arrangements to receive something every week of the year. A reason to wake for another day that's not as lame as coffee or true love or your children or whatever loser thing's currently holding you down. Self-brought prizes, that's the thing. Can someone explain why some of them have strings?

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