Pets Are For the Emotionally Stunted

You betrayed us!

This read's a bit long. Some of you won't even read this thing because it's TL;DR and not some cat photo with a shallow slogan on it, that you can only appreciate because you and the cat share the same amount of brain matter. That, and it's not hip to like humans because they're capable of doing things beyond our comprehension. These are same types of people who say they prefer animals to humans, in their idyllic and egocentric naivete, adding some vague claim of affinity for innocence. But that's okay, that's what this article intends to tackle.

Here is a classic line that carries no weight, "See, hurting animals is wrong because they cannot defend themselves." Okay, cute point. Make a meme about it. But let's put these in comparable scenarios:

Scenario #1: Person poisons cat by putting cyanide in his bowl.
Scenario #2: Person poisons human by putting cyanide in his sandwich. 

How is the poisoning of the cat more tragic? Both were defenseless. Generaldepravity [at] gmail.com or the comments section, you can explain it to me. Yeah, but that's not physical abuse, you say. It's still an emotionally-driven false argument. Again:

Scenario #1: Bully kicks a dog in the ribs.
Scenario #2: Bully kicks a person in the ribs.

Well, an animal can't defend itself. Neither can a human that's been kicked in the ribs. Mind you, this conversation is taking place with an animal lover, as they eat a rack of ribs and wear leather shoes dyed red with the remains of crushed beetles. Even if the abuse is systemic, humans are susceptible to systemic abuse as well. In fact, unlike domesticated animals, humans have emotional complexities which can be subject to manipulation. Humans have much greater capacity for the torment of emotional abuse. This leads into my point:

Animal love is the domain of the emotionally stunted.

At least when you can claim more sympathy for a pet than a human being. And you know why it's perfect? Because a dog can't call you out when you're full of shit. The most he can do is call you out when he's full of shit. So you get to project your feelings onto an animal who's much more simple to understand and deal with than a person. That doesn't mean animals are more sympathetic than humans. That's an outrageous claim. This may be a blindspot on my part, but by comparison to humans, pets are a non-factor. Equal treatment might be more sure-footed, but to place animals above humans is a red flag for a person with deep-seated emotional issues.

These animals seem endearing because they need you and are entirely dependent. Dogs aren't noble, people. If you gave a dog smart pills and he became humanoid, he'd be just as likely to fuck your wife as one of your friends. You wouldn't let your best friend sleep at the foot of your bed with your wife while you were away on business, right? But say your dog suddenly became enlightened and anthropomorphic. Your wife would be taking it doggystyle from Scruff McGruff the crime-fighting dog and as he tickles her asshole with his tail. Mark my words. I hereby declare this as fact. This should be the fourth law of thermodynamics.

Young lady greets her biological father

But the fact that your dog would fuck your wife and sport an AR-15 and start a holy war if he could is just common sense. It's not at all a bad thing to see animals as a microcosm of emotion and behavior to better to understand the more complex human animal. It's when your dependency and obsession becomes so glaring you value animal life over human life. Once you're this far gone, there won't be anything left you can't rationalize. It's a perfect metaphor for the self-deluded because you can live in an echo chamber where all your cherry-picked beliefs are parroted back at you in a never-ending loop of confirmation bias. Was that redundant? That's how it works.

Parrot1: I believe in you. Do you believe in you?
Person: Yes!

Parrot2: I believe in you!
Person: Thanks, I believe in me, too!

Does she count?

These people end up severing a dog's nuts because they're too afraid of opening up socially or living alone. As if that were a real life risk. Your life, which entails mostly of resisting suicide as you carouse Pets Mart for a doggy diaper. Is it not house-trained... or is it trying to send you a message? These people, holding dogs hostage until they get Stockholm Syndrome, claiming to love animals meanwhile keeping them quarantined in a corner of an apartment. Often in a place like New York City, where a dog serves no purpose other than to offset the self-imposed misery of living in a sinkhole with 8 million people. Man's Best Friend. Listen, I'm not the nicest person, but I would never castrate my best friend. Can you imagine that Best Man speech? "Jack was there when I needed a place to stay for free and couple meals, but he didn't want me ruining his furniture... so he cut off my balls and we've been best pals ever since. Good luck to you and Maria."

Once the technological singularity happens and that dog's injected with intelligence-enhancing nanomachines, he'll realize could've been roaming the United States, freelancing with Lassie, or Clifford if he's into that. He'll realize he could've been visiting landmarks like Butch Cassidy's hideout, or marking his territory on Ayn Rand's grave, or left a log in Lincoln's childhood cottage or who knows. And that dog's going to resent you, because much like a man in a modern marriage he was dressed up silly, stripped of his balls, and then they took away his option to fuck stray bitches. You're not an animal lover, you're a fan of emotional bestiality.

And there's an equivalent for people who worship children, I call them emotional pedos. Not as bad as the regular kind but hear me out. Much like pets, children are viewed as a microcosm due to their lack of complexity. Comparatively to children, no one is concerned over the killing of adults (...unless the child is a fetus). If we're going to pick sides at least have consistency. Children should be given different treatment but not special treatment. For example, having no adult radio stations disables children from hearing bad things less than it enables lazy parenting. Child worship is the reason we can't do all the fun things like walk around naked and make love in public and shit behind some bushes or walk your woman on a leash, coincidentally all the things dogs get to do.

I'm not saying animals aren't adorable

Pets shouldn't be kept in the honeycomb of an apartment. This is a pet's life: neutered, confined, secluded, typically alienated from their own species, and no friends with benefits, let alone a long-term romance. If you're going to own a pet fricking at least have a large plot of land and get, say, six cats so they can mingle and recreate their favorite FRIENDS episodes. Don't take out your loneliness and lack of a family by forcing that lifestyle on an unsuspecting sentiment being. This is a guess, but it appears turning to house pets for emotional sustenance could enable a society that cripples its own ability to create meaningful relationships with other humans.

Furries - the natural conclusion of pet obsession

And to the tune of large, congested populations, let's not forgot the millions of animals put down due to irresponsible pet owners. Doesn't being put down sound sweet? Sounds like you're being stroked and caressed until the overwhelming nirvana of love causes you to pass. No, actually it's a lethal injection given to a house pet for the crime of being an inconvenience. We treat cats and dogs the same way we punished the Oklahoma City bomber. Do we really need to kill these strays? Can't we just fence up a state no one would ever visit like North Dakota and ship 'em there? Then have irresponsible pet owners put down and problem solved. Ideas man, here.

If you or someone you love has an animal addiction, have them seek help. Even loving a human dressed as a fox is less depressing than loving a dog that's dressed up as a human.