How to Stop Using the Internet

A visual representation of the
far-reaching implications of the internet

The internet is rubbish. This is Screen Name: Dragline speaking. Not many know my intern Delilah does all interneting for me. That's why it's called the internet, it's work which should be reserved for interns. She does all my bidding for me, up to and including eBay. She reads off trainwreck, has-been celebrity status updates in an exaggerated and dramatic manner. Society has a sick fascination with building idols then breaking them down. I prefer the stories where the loser becomes the hero, but those are rare or less told. Anyhow, as she types up this post, I ask her to write that the internet is for losers and winners exist in the real world.

The web never did anyone good, it's a cesspool for petty complaints and pornography. 20 years later, it's a cesspool of pornography and petty complaints. There's no worthwhile social debate or reform. Every argument ultimately delves into name-calling and comparisons to Michael Bay. 15 years since its been mainstream and the best you've managed to make of it is a subpar video store, that only rents videos of men hurting their groin in various fashions. The rest is a jerk fest of oh look at this picture of my cat's vomit with a filter to make it look like a picture from 1970, you know, an era people are nostalgic about because people interacted in person back then. Watching an earth worm wither about is a better use of time. H. H. Holmes, a psychopath who created a Murder Hotel is technically more socially astute than the average web user because he at least liked to be around people. ...At least around bodies.

GPS is the only good thing bandwidth ever did and it stands for Government's Private Surveillance. Your life is not improved. The net brings us closer together until you realize it also gives you a bunch of weird fetishes and the only girls that can stomach you live rural Utah and shit. And what's wrong with the Amish life anyhow. So you sit around with your beloved and milk the same cow and lock eyes and you can't even smell it excrement because the love in the air is so thick in the country. That's right, the respect of a like-minded individual is all you need, not a picture of what your friend's sister's step aunt ate for breakfast. Get offline, go outside, go live a real life, not some deluded excuse for a fantasy.

-Delilah
Intern at the Screen Name: Dragline presidential campaign office