10 People I Hope Are Made Into Action Figures

I decided to make a list of 10 people who I would like to have as action figures. Figures of the flexible, GI Joe-kind, so they could be part of an imaginary wrestling league of toys.

Here are my picks:

10. Billy Corgan


Mainly I want Corgan because he's grating and obnoxious and I want a chance to bash his melon head in.

Finisher: He pulls out an acoustic guitar and threatens to hit you over the head with it, causing opponents to cower in fear, then proceeds to play guitar and sing until opponent taps out.

Weakness: Being told he's a deflated Fat Joe with less musical talent.



9. Daniel Day-Lewis

An intense and focused fighter in the ring. A king of dramatics.

Finisher: Can imitate anyone else's finisher to pin-point precision.

Weakness: Has no sense of self-identity, loses his mind while performing.



8. Katy Perry

She would make a great wrestler because unlike wrestlers of the past she gets much scarier as her make up starts to come off.

Finisher: Opponents willing submit, because god damn.

Weakness: N/A



7. Jennifer Garner

This is mostly about wanting a reason to pound her hyper-dynamic, art-deco style face.

Finisher: Opponents enjoy punching her in the stomach to the point they forget to try to win the match. Eventually they tire, and she collapses over them for a pin.

Weakness: Making a facial expression that doesn't inspire pointed, manic violence in the enemy.



6. Steve Irwin


He looks like Roddy Piper so I think he would make a fun wrestler. I imagine he uses clotheslines and works the ropes a lot.

Finisher: Sticks opponents head through ropes into gaping mouth of crocodile waiting ringside. Instant submission.

Weakness: Sea-life.



5. Hemingway

A brute on paper. A brute in the ring. Never fights sober.

Finisher: Spear-tackle. Drinks a double Jack on ice while pinning opponents with one foot over their chest cavity.

Weakness: The power of love. Only became a fighter out of his longing for human touch. Can often be hugged into a three count.



Mid-list honorary mention special jury prize winner: Jay Cutler




4. Amy Winehouse

She enters the ring in a wifebeater to her own music. Because of her constant intoxication and drug use, she always exhibits "special needs" strength.

Finisher: Naturally, blinding people with wine, and breaking the bottle over their temple.

Weakness: Heroin, standing up straight, etc.



3. Jesus

Jesus would be the guy with the impossible win streak.

Finisher: A headlock he calls, "the halo."

Weakness: Isn't Jason Statham.



2. Liam Neeson


Liam Neeson is my number 2 pick, but only because I believe we should not make graven images of Jason Statham. He's also the number one male on my list.

Finisher: Railroad spikes to the legs.

Weakness: Putting career above family causes him to occasionally breakdown in the ring.



1. Ayn Rand

God, she'd be brutal. Dirty, rudderless rule-breaker. A female Ric Flair.

Finisher: Says something so stunningly misogynistic or anti-human, enemies become literally stunned into submission.

Weakness: Becomes deeply confused when name is pronounced correctly.



Epilogue:

Other historical figures considered for action figures included: Sylvia Plath, Economist Peter Schiff, Guy who thinks "The Beatles are the greatest band ever, man," Rasputin, and Groucho Marx.

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