Heavy Metal is Objectively Bad

My yearbook photo
The following is a guest column from heavy metal hater Square Andy.

It's that time again, suckers. Its been a year since I did a guest spot for this place and I'm back to talk more hardcore and metal. I've been studying it. Let's get one thing straight, tryhard dorks. All heavy metal is objectively bad. That some girl named Shelly dumped you seven years ago and you haven't gotten over it doesn't make it any less true.

Stupid Marilyn Manson is better than whatever Rises Ashes Glory Blood Throne Wolves limited edition 2000 copy run B.S. that's popular this week. I thought the mainstream bands my youthgroup love like Drowingpool were embarrassing, until I heard Agalloch, those forest-dwelling nerds.

I heard a billion metal bands, all bad. Let me run some down for you:

Neurosis - I would put their master tapes in a shredder before throwing away one Marvin Gaye b-side.

The Melvins - They're a band for people who hate the fact they're privileged, and mentally and socially healthy, so they bang their head against a wall to the point they need a helmet later in life just to feel they are part of something real or cultured. They aren't.

Mutoid Man and Minus the Bear - These bands try to venture out from their satanic metal upbringing into mainstream success and it's 12-lols-a-minute. They call them ex-member bands. They're ex-ceptionally CRAPPY.

Thou - Bad band that sounds like crying after realizing you spent your trust fund on worthless vinyl.

Jacob Bannon art - This isn't really a band but his art is Call of Duty crest creator-level talented.

 Rwake - If I want something 18 minutes long, repetitive, draining and sad I will have a wank. (Always practice abstinence.)

High on Fire - Sucky Glorifying Not Showering music. The world is not out to get you, so you can move your 11-inch hair to the side and stop pomading it, in your transparent, insecure attempt to seem intimidating. Get a proper parted hairstyle.

Bell Witch - Corny dork bullcrap by the song titles alone. Which I would be fine with if it were self-aware. Stop pretending you love forests. You know if you actually went to one you'd leave as soon as the first grasshopper jumped on your neck.

Swallow the Sun - Sucks. Emerald Forest and the Blackbird is the name of your album? Eat radiation dirt from the grounds of Chernobyl.

Pallbearer - They're like listening to an episode of Intervention in auditory form, and one of the staged episodes at that.

Remember Isis? Arsis? Of course you don't. Most the metal bands I discovered were flavor-of-the-minute. I was going to name more but I couldn't remember any. Oh, Municipal Waste. Tombs? Minsk? Blut Aus Nord? If you can enjoy this on any level you eroticize elves and dwarfs and not even on a cooler Game of Thrones level, but The Hobbit Trilogy at best.

If you don't believe any of this you probably think Neil deGrasse Tyson does actual science as opposed to just being a charming host for the community. That no good evolution-apologist demagogue.

Imagine her trying to explain said necklace

I studied the culture of the scene, or should I say CULTure. People with pagan Thor's hammer pentagram necklaces. Ugh. Leather, studs, and shiny objects aren't cool. Poverty isn't cool. Pretending being miserable is exactly what you want isn't cool. What's cool is being nice and helpful and loving and hugging your mother. Not your stupid occult Illuminati-wannabe obsession with triangles on a hideous black shirt.

If I were not a vessel for the Lord's word, and actually wanted to be a diehard metalhead instilling the virtues of Satan, I would follow Lil Wayne. He's harder than any metal because instead of pretending to be edgy he's actually doing the sociopathic leg work, running corporations, and doing whatever he wants, unlike what the pseudo devil-worshiping horse-malarkey metal fans ascribe to.

You cornball loser dorks play pretend evil music without irony. For every great band rock band like Paul Anka, with a decent instrumentation and midsection, there's 4,000 stock metal bands sweating up a storm and doing the equivalent of what a crying infant does. Aimless anger with no progression or crescendos. A musical Occupy Wall Street. Hardcore started in 1984 and you haven't even gotten to the level of nihilistic Nietzsche poser yet.

Stop your hate-music, animals. God it makes me sick. There aren't any affable moments in heavy music. You know what has those moments? A good, wholesome dramatic television program like King of the Hill. A Joyce Meyer sermon. A cold glass of Mountain Dew at the twilight of a summer day. Once I gave Sunn O))) a chance and my mom banged on the basement door and asked if the heater was acting up. That's metal in a nutshell.

Want salvation? Get Religion.
-Square Andy

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