When I Am President

My fellow Americans, bacon and cheese have been stuffed into a crust

Remember when the current president of the United States quoted the mob movie The Departed in an attempt to maim his ideological opponents? And you tilted your head back and scratched your chin and thought, "Wow. I could never be president," but only because the job is so far below you?

Yeah, I implied I'm above the president. And I feel good about it, because unlike all presidents I never signed off on some bombing campaign and considered killing innocent people "collateral damage." I'm Zero Murders McGee, why don't I have a Nobel Prize?  I didn't continue wars I promised to stop, or torture folks or pass some blanket law giving me unquestioned authority to detain people indefinitely.

Leader of the free world, lol. 33.3 million people saw the State of the Union address. That's less the finale of Home Improvement. People spend more effort pretending to take Vin Diesel seriously as a tough guy than they do reflecting on government. People send more time watching Pizza Hut commercials than seeing the president speak. A real voting ballet looks like a dollar sign and a voting booth a cash register.

That's why I am promoting myself as president. I won't change anything and will completely roll over for special interest groups. I will however, stop the genocide of our childhood by vetoing the all-female cast Ghostbusters III.